Imagine you have a beautiful house, with a lovely garden. The garden is filled with beautiful flowers all year round. There is a patio overlooking a silent river. You have handpicked every decorative showpiece to find a perfect spot for it. The bedsheets and the curtains contrast, giving each room its own identity. Every small thing has its place. Every corner evokes a sense of beauty, security, and creativity.
Then one day, you have an unannounced visitor. Let's call her "Anxiety".
Anxiety walks into your beautiful house tells you about all the things that could go wrong at any moment now. She feels that it's not safe for you to live alone in this big imperfect world. What if there is an earthquake and the house collapses? What if the river starts flooding and washes away the home? What if you step out and get attacked by a wild animal? What if the flowers suddenly turncarnivorous and eat you up? Who will save you?
You are scared as if you've seen a ghost, thinking, how come I never thought about this before. Anxiety starts living in your house because she wants to protect you. After all, she's the only person concerned about your well-being. She tells you that sunshine is harmful, so you need to close the blinds. She tells you that flowers will soon turn poisonous if you water them. So the garden turns into a wasteland. She assures you that you do not have to be creative because why waste your time on useless things?
Slowly you learn to live in a dark, messy house. You enjoy your time with anxiety because the world is superficial, and you do not want to be judged. Finally, you cut off your friends and family because they don't get you as she does.
But life goes on; you still have to pay bills and buy groceries. So you try to get by doing what you can. There are days when you do not feel like doing anything. Anxiety tells you that it's better to rest it out. But, unfortunately, one day of rest turns into a week, months, and years. There is absolutely nothing that excites you anymore. You are just a spectator of your own life as it passes by.
When someone tries to tell you how beautiful life can be, you shut them off because the unseen is more dangerous than the seen. Why would you believe anyone else, other than anxiety? She knows the best after all. The fear of the unknown, the lack of control, and the physical force required to move out of the house feels like an impossible task.
This is how it feels to live with anxiety every day. Every morning, the efforts required to get up and show up exhaust you mentally and physically. So you just wait to go back to bed all day long and disappear under the sheets. You feel sorry for the space that you take upon this earth and just want to hide under a rock away from the light.
Then there are days when no amount of self-talk can make you budge. You lose control over your breathing and thoughts. All hell breaks loose.
Those are the ugly days!
I've been blessed to have a loving and understanding set of family and friends who help me through this every time I start going back to the dark and the messy house.
The only thing I tell myself now is that "My anxiety is lying to me".
But I understand not everyone is as blessed as I am. You may relate to this feeling that I go through sometimes. So I just wanted to write this post to tell you that YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
I've realised that NO ONE will be able to help you through this. All the therapy or counseling in the world can only do so much good. But if you are not willing to bring a change for yourself, it's all just a waste of resources.
It's just YOU who can make the "anxiety" leave your house, no one else.
But I also know that sometimes, all you need is for someone to just listen. So if at any point you feel there is darkness all around and the world is coming to an end, you wish to just vent it out, feel free to hit me up.
I do not have a psychologist degree, nor am I a professional counsellor. But I am a great listener :) Sometimes, all you need is for someone to just listen, which I am great at.
Feel free to connect with me on hey@mindfuljugni.com, or use the chat option on the website. I will try my best to get back to you at the earliest.
At some point of time, you are going to lose every relationship, every friendship, every material thing that you have worked so hard to get. But you are the only person walking with yourself until the end of time. Make sure that the person is worth the company.
